I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
