I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
