I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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