Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
