Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
