you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
