I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
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How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.