so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
