I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
