There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
