My sheets look like a crime scene.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
