i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
