I smell stomach acid.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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