So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
