Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
