apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
