shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
FUCK WHALES
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