my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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