Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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