Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
