Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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