oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
