the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
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it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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