I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
