I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty