look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck