A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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