It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week