WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so let's talk penis.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
