I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
