dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
