I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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