oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
