Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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