My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
