I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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