I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
