I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
