Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
