She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
