I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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