Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
