Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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