the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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