but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
