being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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