Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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