You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
