Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
even my farts smell like vagina
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
