You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
