Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this just has baby written all over it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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