the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
