We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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