The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
only you would photoshop your dick
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
