He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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