Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
