Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
