If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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